Sometimes I look around and I just don’t understand the world. I don’t understand what God is doing. There is so much pain going on. So many people are hurting deeply. And I just don’t understand. Just two weeks ago I broke down crying begging God to help me understand because I hurt so much for these people. It seems like the world around me in in so much turmoil, and I feel so insignificant and helpless. What can I possible do? Especially when I’m so far away. So many things, but make sense. But I know I have to trust God. He knows what He’s doing, even when I question Him.

There seems to be pain everywhere. It’s a never-ending theme in my life, but at the same time has been so crucial to my growth and my purpose. If I had the chance to go back and redo my life I wouldn’t take back all the pain. I didn’t enjoy it, and while going through it I could barely see any hope and I definitely didn’t see a purpose. But I realize without all of that I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t be able to identify with so many people.

In a way I look at pain as a gift. It’s wrapped in shredded, raggedy paper with dirt and stains all over. The box is dented and damaged. No one wants this gift. It doesn’t look attractive, and no one would willingly ask for it. Once you start to open it you realize this box has many layers. There are boxes inside of boxes. There are many of them, each wrapped similarly as the first. It takes a long to time unwrap all of them, but once you get to the end you are left with a priceless gift. Something so special and rare.

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I’ve been thinking a lot about death this week. It’s been an evident thing in my life over the last few years. I’ve lost so many people in a very short amount of time. It’s weird to think that Matt has been gone for almost 2 years now. He would have been a freshmen in college this year. Grandpa Lane has been gone for 3 years now. Christmas has never been the same. I miss his big hugs. So many people passed away last year….all around the same time. It was hard, but what’s even harder is not knowing whether they are in Heaven or not. I wish I could be certain, but I’m not. I don’t understand death or God’s plans. I just know that I am such a selfish person. I take each day for granted so many times. I plan my life ahead thinking I have a whole week in front of me. There was a time that I wished for death, dreamed about it, planned it. How sick that is! I thought I had control of death. It was my escape. If things got too rough I’d run away from life altogether. It gave me control. I was so foolish. God has control not I.

I don’t understand why God decided to take Joe at this time. I don’t understand why now. But even if we had the answers would it take away the pain? I didn’t know him well, but I had talked to him on occasion, enough to know he was a pretty awesome guy. I trust that God has a purpose and although that may not take away the hurt, it does give hope.

Okay so this is my first actual college update. I’ve been at Grace for almost 3 weeks now! I know it’s late, but a lot has gone on. Orientation was very overwhelming with tons of new information and new people and places. Moving in was rather easy and I got along very well with my roommates. My parents left on Sunday and I was okay and ready to start college life.

One of my roommates was having problems with her major and credits transferring over if she eventually changed colleges. She was pretty stressed about the whole situation, and she ended up leaving and going to a different college the day our first actual classes started here at Grace. It was crazy for all of us. That night it really hit me that I was in Indiana away from everyone and everything I’ve ever known. I realized how alone I felt and how much I wanted to be back home. I got very homesick. It was more than just missing home. I got physically sick. I would feel very anxious and I get a sense of tension and kind of tingling in my arms and chest. My heart would pound. It would be hard to breath. I would feel like crying all of the time. I would feel like I have something stuck in my throat and if I would try to talk I’d start to cry. I couldn’t eat and I never felt hungry, and when I would try to eat I would feel like getting sick. In order to eat anything I would have to force it down. I didn’t feel like being social or doing anything at all. I feel shaky and sick.

I just wanted to go home. I missed my family, my home, my bed, my pets, friends, youth, everything familiar. I missed the comfort. I wanted to go back where things are comfortable and familiar, and I felt like I belonged. I wanted to go back where I could relax, where I could reach out and touch my parents and friends.

Everything here is so unfamiliar and strange. I was constantly in a state of anxiety. At home I’d always get anxious when meeting new people and being out of my comfort zone, but at the end of the day I could go home and be in my comfort zone and relax and be calm. I don’t have a calming comfort place here. Nothing seemed familiar and safe.

I hated being alone. I felt so lonely and when I’m alone it felt even stronger, and I started feeling the anxiety even stronger.

I couldn’t do my homework or study because I felt too sick to do it. If I sat down to do it I felt too anxious and panicky to concentrate. I couldn’t do it if I was alone at all because then I started crying. Then I panicked because if I couldn’t study and do my work then I’d get bad grades. I’m so afraid that I’ll fail.

I felt like I’d been here forever and I just wanted to go home. I couldn’t imagine being here for 6 weeks. The days are hard and long. I had hard time sleeping. I couldn’t sleep in, I always end up waking up early. And it was impossible for me to nap.

After I had a major break down on my first Saturday at Grace things slowly started getting better. The breakdown was painful, and challenging but I’m learning a lot about myself and God. I really was honestly thinking about moving back home and going to MCC for 2 years and then figuring out what I’d do after that later.

I knew that’s not what God wanted although I was seriously questioning if I heard God right when I came here. I didn’t understand why I would hurt so much if this is where God wanted me to be. And I really was to the point that I didn’t care what He wanted. I wanted to go home and that was that. I’ve beginning to see what God’s doing although it’s still not completely clear.

I had expected maturing, change, growth, new friendships, community, a new start in college. However, I never expected pain. I somehow figured maturity and growth would come without pain. When I discovered pain here I was confused with God and kind of angry with Him. Why would He do this to me? This isn’t the way I had planned it. But suffering produces them. You can’t skip that step. I wanted to.

God wants to do something with me. I’m not sure what the is yet, but He had to move me in order to accomplish it. He had to take me out of my comfort zone, familiarity, everything I cling to for comfort, everyone I depend on. He wants me all to himself, and that means taking everything I’ve ever known away from me. It’s painful at times. I’m made to deal with the fact that I am way too dependant on people. I’m left to stare at my weakness in clinging to my comforts and staying away from anything that may not be “safe”. I have to take risks when I would usually stay back in my little comfort place.

There are so many specific things I’m beginning to see in myself from day to day. This is the first time I’ve ever been able to just be Mandy. I don’t have a best friend, sister, parent, ect. to cling to. People know me as Mandy, not “Mandy so-and-so’s friend”, not the extra appendage of someone else. I have my own life, my own identity. I can’t hide behind anyone anymore. I enjoy that freedom and because of it I’m not as self-conscious. For the first time I feel like I have a life of my own. I’ve been working up to this point for sometime now, but finally I feel as if it is complete for the most part.

I’m becoming more assertive in making new friends, and initiating some of it. I’m beginning to realize that I’m not as powerless as I sometimes feel. I have to choice to make friends and get involved, but I have to take a part in that too.

There’s still tons I need to work on. God deserves more of me than He’s been getting. God amazes me though!

This week has been pretty good. I miss home, but I’m not feeling it physically anymore which I’m very thankful for. I’ve had a ton of homework and have felt pretty overwhelmed with it all. And on top of it I have a cold! I hope next week I have a little less work than this week because it was pretty exhausting.

I enjoy most of my classes. Freshmen foundations is pretty interesting and I really like my small group. Last weekend we had a retreat for the class and it was pretty cool. We stayed all night at the Rec. Center building boats out of cardboard and duct tape and the next day we had a race. My group won in the losers bracket so the prof. is taking us out to dinner! Scripture Interpretation isn’t too bad either and I really like the stuff were learning even though it is a lot of work. Healthy lifestyles is okay. It’s not that big of a deal, but I have to work out for that class which is good because it actually makes me feel better! I don’t care so much for effective writing, but I’ll manage. Intro. to counseling is my favorite class and I’m doing great in it. The prof. is great and he can make even things I think would be boring interesting.